As a kid, my middle-class parents did a thorough job of beating the spirit out of me, so in later life I've had to re-learn spontaneity and mischief from my working-class chums.
One of my chums when I lived in Edinburgh was Biffo, a very funny and argumentative guy, who taught me how to win arguments.
One thing I learned from him was how to sabotage any discussion, using tricks like "there's new research that proves ..." or "98% of people agree that ..."
Another trick he used was confusing an irate opponent with irrelevant interruptions like "no, you don't need to apologise."
But one skill I never managed to pick up from Biffo was how to grope a woman friend while she's getting out of the taxi, though I saw him do it often. On the way home from the pub in a packed taxi, you pretend to help her out by placing your hand on her bum to steer her out, you just forget to take your hand away again as you follow her out. This also works when getting into the taxi. He used to do this to the woman I was nuts about, and whose bum I eventually spent several happy years exploring, though not in public.
Though I was always too polite to try out the taxi grope, I've lost my manners over the years, so I suppose I could probably pull it off now. Of course, I'm so old now that the only woman I know worth groping is my partner, and I can do that at home, no need to wait for a taxi ride.
I was reminded of Biffo today when I found an ancient birthday card that he sent me just after I had split up with Mary Hopkin. It contained this verse which he wrote to try and cheer me up:
I eventually fell out with him too, one of the best friends I ever had, my last remaining friend in Edinburgh. Soon after, trusting myself as advised in the verse, I jacked in my job, and escaped to begin a new life in Glasgow.
Mary, John Doe and Biffo,
before I fell out with them all
I almost forgot to include a picture of a body part. This one's also from my album, and you can click it:
Mary sometimes made me
a camembert sandwich
(click to zoom out)
PS - Lee Ann has recently quit HNT while she's at her peak. I owe her a lot. It was she who got me started in the whole Half Nekkid Therapy programme.
