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13 November 2005 at 19:50

time to use the secret weapon

If the fundamentalist harassment continues, I may be forced to play my religious trump card, and it's a good one.

When I was a kid, Alan lived across the road from me, and we were best buddies. At a time when I was still listening to Cliff Richard and The Shadows, Alan turned me on to Beatlemania.

Alan and me

One year, four of us performed at the Sunday School Christmas party, miming to "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" . My hair was curly and wouldn't stay in a fringe, so my father made me a fake fringe out of black wool and elastic. He also made the two hardboard cut-out guitars, in the shape of my ukulele.

Cardboard cut-out Beatles

A year or two later, Alan became head of the sunday school, and I went to the devil. Since those days, Alan has lived a decent and worthwhile life as an activist church minister, and was last month appointed Moderator of the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland (BBC announcement). For non-Scots readers, it means he's a sort of Archbishop of Scotland. Unlike him, I have wasted my talents in pointless distractions. Like this blog.

Alan, if you're reading this, firstly let me congratulate you on your deserved success. Your achievements have been a great consolation to my mother for my own apparent failures. Still, I like to think I have earned a modest reputation for myself here on the UnHeard Islands, both as an amateur brewer and for my part-time work at the McDonald Institute. Not to mention my volunteer counselling work with the HNT scheme.

Alan, I know we haven't met in 30 years, but could you do me a favour, for old times' sake? Could you put a fatwa on the guy who's jamming my account with extremist religious ravings? I don't know the technical term for a Christian fatwa, but you'll know, I'm sure. I can't offer you much in return, except perhaps a special discount on communion beer.

Either way, rest assured that I have turned down all media offers of money to tell the inside story of our childhood. To tell you the truth, the relevant memory cells have died off anyway, thanks to all the bad company and bad habits.

Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Zeig! Totally impressed by your famous connections. Can't you blackmail him? Hotboy p.s. There musta lot of folk out there like ukeleles  


Blogger Lee Ann said...

What a good highlight! So nice of your dad to help you to reinact the Beatles. So that is where you learned to play the guitar? ;)
I hope your "archbishop" friend can help.
Is the Church of Scotland like an Episcopal or Catholic church?  


Blogger hotboy said...

A day later: Adolf! Heil! I see no one leaves comments when you don't flash the nudie pictures. Fickle they are! Hotboy  


Blogger Eric said...

I was able to play "Yellow Bird" on the Ukulele in my grade seven music class.

When I was a young boy, I used to play with Carl from across the street. He wound up becoming the "Pirate" in the World Wrestling Federation. He had a patch over his eye. I was there when he got a B.B. shot into his eye when we used to play "war" with our pellet guns. And that is the most famous childhood friend I've had...  


Blogger hotboy said...

All my little chums in Bellshill managed to stay out of jail, except one, but that was an approved school. Don't know if he made it to the Big House. Nothing helps some people. Hotboy p.s. That's the first good thing I've ever heard you say about your da. The therapy might be working!  


Blogger robmcj said...

HB - why would they bother visiting when they know there's no more pictures of me till Thursday?

I didn't notice I was being kind to my old man. It won't happen again.

Eric - George Harrison has led the ukulele revival, but you and I were clearly ahead of him. I may try crossing Yellow Submarine and Blackbird Bye Bye. Thanks for the suggestion. Re your success shooting your mate in the eye - an early sign of your military bent? Not that there's anything wrong with that. I considered pushing my best mate out of a 4th floor window at school, he was such a basturn.

LA - Thanks, my father played the uke in the navy, and taught me as a kid. As for the Church of Scotland, it's not catholic, I don't really know what it is. It was just something we would write on the job application form, where it asked for "religion". A bit like when a medical form asks how much alcohol you drink, and you write "normal social drinking".  


Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Shame on you! The Church of Scotland is presbyterian, which means it's got no bishops. Also, they believe in predestination, which is a calvinist concept that means God knows you're going to hell before you're born, but let's you get on with it anyway. Good example of how all you can say about God is not true.
Also, the Sun newspaper would love to know that the next Moderator's old best friend is now being banned from the bloggyphotiesphere for showing nakes photies of himself! Who's coming up with the hush hush money? That's all I want to know! Hope this helps. Hotboy  


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